Tag: Friendship

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Reconciling my frenemies.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

“An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars.” ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭18‬:‭19‬ ‭NLT‬‬

The best friendships are also the most vulnerable to offense. Trust takes years to build and it can be destroyed in seconds with a purposeful or even accidental moment of betrayal. There is even something WORSE that happens when a friendship is threatened or demolished. It makes us very leery of trusting others. So great friends are not only hard to find, they are much harder to keep!

This wisdom saying holds the key to not just surviving an offense or even a betrayal, it gives hope to those who want to build and keep quality friendships. The first key is the word, “harder.” This is simple but rarely practiced. It’s not impossible to win back the friendship! In fact, once this kind of friendship has been able to navigate the tunnel of chaos or conflict, it becomes even stronger than before. As any wartime general would attest, there is no such thing as an impenetrable fortress. Hard, yes, but not impossible.

The second key is found in this idea of causality – THE argument. Every human relationship, no matter how good or how close, has its moments of impasse! The argument may exacerbate the opposing ideas, but that’s still not what brings down a relationship. When one, or the other, or both decide to LOCK THE GATE – now we have a problem. When we lock the gate of our heart, the defenses go up and access to our brain filled with thoughts, ideas, attitudes, hopes, dreams, sorrows and big emotions are no longer accessible to our friend. The argument is no longer a clashing of ideas it turns into an inaccessible, impenetrable locked gate. Both have allowed these volatile opinions to become weapons that pierce each other’s soul! Soon angry phrases emote out of deep anger, frustration or defense – phrases like, “you are dead to me,” or “never speak to me again.”

Friends banter, they even fight, but the tips of their swords are always rounded and the wounds are never kill-shots. Our stubborn pride buried beneath our wounds may never allow us to heal, restore or reconcile.

A few verses down there’s another friend proverb that helps us understand this predicament. There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.” ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭18‬:‭24‬.

Real friends move past the offended or betrayed friend stage, pulling each other in closer, rather than pushing away. Doesn’t the Bible both encourage and command us to reconcile and love one another? Wouldn’t it be wise to obey, even though it’s hard? One of Jesus’ friends betrayed him with a kiss, and Jesus called him out in the garden. Another friend betrayed him by disowning Jesus and declaring that “he did not know him.” Jesus gently restored him after sharing breakfast on the shores of the lake.

Great friendships are worth saving and savoring, persevering and protecting!

Prayer

Dad,
While I was still offending you… you forgave me. While I was still yet denying you…Jesus died for me. You made the impossible happen. You breached the walls of my heart, you stood at the entrance of my locked gate and asked me to let you in. I did so and I will forever be grateful. Now, you ask me to do the same for those who have offended me, betrayed me. How can I say no? Knowing how much it cost you and how far you went to reconcile me, how can I not do the same? Help me not be defined by the frenemies I hold onto, but the grace to forgive like you have done for me.

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Plowing different paths.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

“Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever? And what union can there be between God’s temple and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God said: “I will live in them and walk among them. I will be their God, and they will be my people.” ‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭6‬:‭14‬-‭16‬ ‭NLT‬‬

The Apostle Paul strongly, boldly tells the Corinthian believers not to be love entangled with non-believers because they would be trying to pull the “one” life in two different directions. I heard this phrase often as a young believer myself, “no missionary dating.” The idea was that casually dating someone who is outright opposed to Christ would lead to “falling in love,” and not being able to call it off when it got more serious.

Falling in love is serious and once emotions kick in and bonding takes place it becomes difficult to see the dangers of becoming one with an unbeliever. I’ve seen all kinds of relationships end in tragedy when a believer wants to lovingly lead their “friend” into a decision for Christ by marrying them. Isn’t it already a struggle to get this truth through our heads, “we cannot change another person’s heart.” One of the big challenges is thinking someone can fix a guy or gal by marriage! So many believe that love will win over an addiction or a character flaw or an unbelief in God. We don’t have that kind of power to change another person’s life! I’ve seen women date, fall in love and marry a non-believing man and the man never changes his heart towards God. I’ve seen the same with men hoping for the best in a woman. Of course, there have been miracles in the relationship, but it’s rare. Each person just thinks following Jesus or not following Jesus is some kind of phase or fad and that it will eventually change. Faith isn’t a fad. These are really dangerous situations for both individuals. Both thinking they can fix or change the other!

This phrase Paul uses, “unequally yoked,” is only found here in Corinthians. Bible commentaries tell us Paul is referring to a little known verse out of Leviticus 19:19 where God warns the Jewish farmers not to try to use two completely different animals to pull the field-plow. Leviticus uses the word, “mate” as in don’t crossbreed your livestock, but it was also commonly used to refer to “hitching up to the same yoke” when plowing a field together. So not only does God forbid trying to force an ox to mate with a donkey, but also don’t “yoke” them together either. A yoke is a tool or device that pairs animals together making it easier on both but also keeping them focused on working together. The humor is the picture of a ox just plodding through the field while the donkey is bucking and kicking trying to get away from his field partner.

Paul’s words are more than just a “marriage” warning. How close is too close, how intimate is too intimate in a friendship? When friends begin to share deeper experiences with each other the bond of love increases substantially. And, I’m not talking about a physical/sexual relationship, I am talking about a merging of values, hopes and dreams. Paul’s warning is that any relationship that pulls us away from or cools our affections from Christ is dangerous and wrong. These deep friendships, not even marital unions, are red flags to avoid.

In Paul’s day, the church folk saw nothing wrong with doing temple one day and going with a friend to a “idol sacrifice” party the next day. These Greek parties were often far more than just huge barbecues with lots of music and dancing. They were full on ancient raves filled with alcohol, drugs, sexual orgies with “temple prostitutes” along with lots of fruits, veggies and animals being offered to greek demigods.

The warning to the church was… this has gone on too long and TOO FAR for a friend! Stop it. We become a version of the people we hangout with. At some point either in a dating relationship or deep friendships, there will be a moment we will have to make a decision – will it be Christ or someone else? God is jealous over us and our relationship with him. He certainly does not want to share us with the devil, the slander, the liar.

Prayer

Dad,
I do not plan on sharing my life or wearing a faith-yoke with anyone or anything that takes me away from you. Help us stay vigilant in these last days. Help us stay faithful and focused. Keep us, hold us in your grace. Amen.

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Don’t burn the bridge, repair it!

Reading Time: 2 minutes 
“Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.” Proverbs‬ ‭17:9‬ ‭NLT‬‬

We’ve lost trust and forgotten how to forgive.

Friendships are fragile in the beginning. They take time to build. And they take effort to get past the surface, shallow conversations. Great friendships spend very little time talking about the weather or the scoreboard stats of their favorite team, they are able to dive in deep and discuss things that matter. In great friendships there is a comfort of confession, shared secrets and honesty of our own failures. After some time, there is this thing called trust.

Trust means, they know enough to destroy you if they wanted to – ah but they don’t. And not just because you have an equal amount of dirt on them! Friendships that go through the conflicts, headaches and tunnels of chaos are the ones that endure to see the beauty of walking through life with people who would do anything for you and you for them.

The wisdom writers nail this truth about friendship. It REQUIRES forgiveness. There is absolutely no way that one or more of your friends won’t let you down, disappoint or even betray you! It is naive to think otherwise.

I love this truth LOVE PROSPERS when you forgive. Yeah, maybe it takes a little time to hop back into the trust saddle, but eventually that’s the goal – rebuild trust and make that bridge even stronger. Folks have been burning so many friendship bridges that they find themselves abandoned and isolated on their own bitter island! Look around. If all you see is burned out bridges with your new hermit lifestyle, you’re not living in heaven on earth, you’re living in hell. I’ve heard so many stories of how easy it is to declare the mafia mantra, “you are dead to me,” to deep, longtime friendships and even more so with family.

Proverbs and wisdom declares those decisions as FOOLISH. To continue to do so means you are just playing the fool. Man up, woman up – forgive! Even as Christ has forgiven you.

One other thing, obsessing over the fault, the betrayal, the misunderstood gestures is a sure way to not just separate you from a formerly good friend. It’s the fastest and most effective way to open your life, heart and soul to the deceiver who will come and fill that festering wound with poisoned pus. Your choice, your move.

Prayer

Dad,
I am so glad I don’t carry grudges or faults too long. I have so many amazing friendships that truly have saved and surrounded my life with your grace. Maybe it is just my personality fluke that helps me not harbour, dwell or obsess over wrongs done to me. Sometimes I like to think, “this person doesn’t even know me well enough TO hurt me.” Why should I carry that offense? I don’t even know them well enough to dislike them back 😇. I want to live my life giving second to seventh chances. Not only being quick to forgive, but redirecting those painful triggers to invest in people even more. Sure, it’s risky. But I know what a risk and wreck I was when you offered me that rescue rope of hope.