Tag: Childhood trauma

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Sanctity and safety of family meals

Reading Time: 2 minutes

“Better a dry crust eaten in peace than a house filled with feasting—and conflict.” ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭17‬:‭1‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Memories of my own family meals growing up were filled with tension of one sort or the other. Truth is, there were probably many, many meals that weren’t chaotic, Dad wasn’t drunk and table was filled with laughter. However, I can’t remember a single one of those meals. I only remember the traumatic ones. Honestly, there are a lot of holes in my memories, black boxes of time, filed with things my body chose to store, but my mind put up barriers. I’m told this is just how childhood works.

As Robin and I began are own parenting journey, we were determined to make meals happy memories. Hopefully when our adult children look back, they’ll see and feel peace and lots of smiles. Sure there were the normal standoffs about eating certain foods like tuna, homemade mac-n-cheese and quiche with carrots and broccoli. But overall, there were many meals shared around the table or out at quick serve restaurants, surrounded by church family – in fun! We were able to eat crust, as in pizza crust, tacos, hot dogs and hamburgers in peace. They were pleasant feasts to us. Tonight, in Tahoe, we’ll celebrate a custom we created years ago – pizza on the dock. We changed it to a outdoor picnic when our littles came along. I am thankful for our family meals, where we all come together. There’s been almost no drama, trauma or conflict in our gatherings. If you get a chance to make peace happen at mealtimes, changing the habits of complaining, whining and being snarky with each other. I believe you can do it! It’s never too late to start. Make a family pact and stick to it. Eat without conflict, talk about the highs and lows of one’s day, feast in peace!

Prayer

Dad,
I am so very thankful for the chance to not only live different from my childhood, but also to give our family, our children much more than tension and trauma around the table. Even through my many failures as a Dad, you were still able to give us a peace that allows us to regularly get together even as adults. The laughter and joy is palpable, giving us hope that our grandgirls will experience the same for their future families.

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Rich memories of home.

Reading Time: 2 minutes 
“A house is built by wisdom and becomes strong through good sense. Through knowledge its rooms are filled with all sorts of precious riches and valuables.” Proverbs‬ ‭24‬:‭3‬-‭4‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Such an odd little proverb about building a house with wisdom, good sense and knowledge. Of course, the wisdom writers can’t be talking about buildings, even though it states the rooms are filled with riches. If Proverbs was a curriculum package for young men, I could see how this would begin to teach and sway them to seek wisdom to have happy homes and rooms filled with riches. Still, this isn’t a promise, it’s a principle.

Building a solid family does take wisdom. Using good or common sense does build character in the family members in the house. And, the most precious riches and valuables I have experienced in the “rooms,” are the incredible memories made there. Once you’ve moved out of your family home, especially the one you grew up in, most never get a chance to return and just re-live the memories that took place in each room. I have returned to my Aunt & Uncle’s home several times as an adult and every thing always seemed much smaller than I remember. That is a general rule in childhood, because we were once small ourselves and the world was SO big. The house was huge, the walk to school was long, the street and the block you lived on seemed like miles of sidewalk. We (our family) spent 25 years living in one house. That was long enough to go from birth to High School graduation or beyond for our older sons. Just driving the street and alleyway brings back lots of memories.

The wisdom writers could have been making a duel purpose statement when referring to riches. One, there are priceless riches in memories and each space filled with love. Plus, the actual benefit of being in a house, having a roof over your head and little worries about food or shelter. Our childhood memories, our origin stories are powerful enough to frame our attitudes and outlook on life for many years. A good childhood yields good memories and a healthy, positive sense of being able to replicate that when you become an adult. Contrarily, a tough childhood, filled with chaos and instability has quite the opposite effect on our outlook and perspective of adulthood especially when it comes to family.

Robin has wonderful memories of houses, homes and family growing up. Me, not so much. Many of my homes had trauma and uncertainty attached to them. Twice, my adopted mother had to pack up my sister and I to flee from dangerous husbands (one my adopted father, the other a wicked stepfather). Not so good on the ol’ memories of home.

I love the fact that Proverbs teaches young men and women about the value of godliness with character traits such as wisdom, knowledge and good sense. A good foundation doesn’t guarantee good results in building a home, but it gives some just as important- HOPE.

Prayer

Dad,
Not knowing any of these principles growing up, I think you did a good job of teaching me personally. It took a lot of work and I had a hard time catching up to anything considered to being normal or good. Even though I was ALWAYS on edge and fearful of doing the right thing, I was determined to trust you and do my very best at being obedient. Eternal thanks for your patience in teaching and mercy in times of failures.