“An offended friend is harder to win back than a fortified city. Arguments separate friends like a gate locked with bars.” Proverbs 18:19 NLT
The best friendships are also the most vulnerable to offense. Trust takes years to build and it can be destroyed in seconds with a purposeful or even accidental moment of betrayal. There is even something WORSE that happens when a friendship is threatened or demolished. It makes us very leery of trusting others. So great friends are not only hard to find, they are much harder to keep!
This wisdom saying holds the key to not just surviving an offense or even a betrayal, it gives hope to those who want to build and keep quality friendships. The first key is the word, “harder.” This is simple but rarely practiced. It’s not impossible to win back the friendship! In fact, once this kind of friendship has been able to navigate the tunnel of chaos or conflict, it becomes even stronger than before. As any wartime general would attest, there is no such thing as an impenetrable fortress. Hard, yes, but not impossible.
The second key is found in this idea of causality – THE argument. Every human relationship, no matter how good or how close, has its moments of impasse! The argument may exacerbate the opposing ideas, but that’s still not what brings down a relationship. When one, or the other, or both decide to LOCK THE GATE – now we have a problem. When we lock the gate of our heart, the defenses go up and access to our brain filled with thoughts, ideas, attitudes, hopes, dreams, sorrows and big emotions are no longer accessible to our friend. The argument is no longer a clashing of ideas it turns into an inaccessible, impenetrable locked gate. Both have allowed these volatile opinions to become weapons that pierce each other’s soul! Soon angry phrases emote out of deep anger, frustration or defense – phrases like, “you are dead to me,” or “never speak to me again.”
Friends banter, they even fight, but the tips of their swords are always rounded and the wounds are never kill-shots. Our stubborn pride buried beneath our wounds may never allow us to heal, restore or reconcile.
A few verses down there’s another friend proverb that helps us understand this predicament. There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18:24.
Real friends move past the offended or betrayed friend stage, pulling each other in closer, rather than pushing away. Doesn’t the Bible both encourage and command us to reconcile and love one another? Wouldn’t it be wise to obey, even though it’s hard? One of Jesus’ friends betrayed him with a kiss, and Jesus called him out in the garden. Another friend betrayed him by disowning Jesus and declaring that “he did not know him.” Jesus gently restored him after sharing breakfast on the shores of the lake.
Great friendships are worth saving and savoring, persevering and protecting!
Prayer
Dad,
While I was still offending you… you forgave me. While I was still yet denying you…Jesus died for me. You made the impossible happen. You breached the walls of my heart, you stood at the entrance of my locked gate and asked me to let you in. I did so and I will forever be grateful. Now, you ask me to do the same for those who have offended me, betrayed me. How can I say no? Knowing how much it cost you and how far you went to reconcile me, how can I not do the same? Help me not be defined by the frenemies I hold onto, but the grace to forgive like you have done for me.